'It's not your fault' and other things I've learned in my six year infertility journey.
T/W infertility.
I debated not really sharing any information, and I know my family is incredibly private and would prefer if I did the same. However, I’ve always been transparent with my readership so after a week of going back and forth, I’ve decided to impart the knowledge I’ve gained over six years of doctor’s appointments, treatments and therapy. Because after six years, my journey has somewhat come to an end, and this newsletter is a part of my grieving process.
Compartmentalization, baby. What a way to maintain emotional stability.
Let’s start with the facts:
7-13% of individuals at reproductive age have PCOS, but over 70% of cases are undiagnosed. More importantly, less than .001% of national funding goes to PCOS research. (WHO)
10-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. (Mayo Clinic)
1-2% of annual births in the U.S. are via IVF (Penn Medicine / CDC)
A single IVF cycle can cost anywhere from $15,000 to $30,000. As most companies still do not have IVF coverage in employment insurance plans, this is an out of pocket expense. (Forbes 2023)
5-8 medical professionals are required in a single IVF process. This includes the clinician, the case manager nurse, the phlebotomist (who you get to know really well), the geneticist, your fertility endocrinologist, anesthesiologist, your therapist and your surgeon.
The statistics are eye-opening, right? Well, it gets even more complicated than that. Because there are so few resources out there, and infertility is still viewed as shameful for so many people, it took me YEARS to find enough information to feel like I knew exactly what was happening to my body. Between YouTube, Reddit, Facebook Groups, and friends in my DMs, here are some other facts that I learned way too late.
If you have PCOS or an autoimmune disease, you are constantly fighting 2 things: Cortisol, or your stress hormone, and inflammation.
Dehydration makes your entire cycle exponentially more painful.
Start the Eastern Medicine now. It’s the only thing that really helps. Acupuncture, mint tea, avoiding plastics, decreasing meat and dairy. And this is not just from me, but every endocrinologist I spoke with recommended the same thing.
This super secret underground book that people told me to read was the most helpful text I was able to get my hands on. It’s called ‘It Starts with the Egg’ by Rebecca Fett.
Sleep and low impact workouts are your best friend.
The most hilarious part about my entire journey (hilarious in a not funny at all way) was the conversation around supplements. The way that there are entire message boards DEDICATED to discussing the best supplements. Individuals have to find the ones that work best for them, but I remember I used to literally cry at night taking fourteen different pills because they were huge and painful to swallow. The ones that helped me the most (and again this is about what works for you):
Ovositol (but man does it WRECK your stomach)
The Ovavite fertility pack with both Folate/pre-natal and COQ10
Magnesium, Iron, B-12
Fish Oil
Ashwaganda or DHEA depending on your circumstances
Obviously, none of this is medical advice, but it’s just the things that took me forever to learn on my own. Some other random lessons include, buying a heating pad for post surgeries, and then an ice pack to put on for 30 seconds right before every injection. It’s to invest in a carrier for syringes because there will be SO MANY syringes. It’s to remember that post egg-retrieval hormone drop that will feel so devastating, but it’ll pass. It’s to never miss a therapy appointment because you’ll need someone to remind you why you’re doing what you’re doing and that it’s worth it.
And most importantly, to work with your partner as a team because you’re both in it together.
But if there is one thing that I can really tell you that not enough people said to me, it’s this: It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault.
Do you know how many times women like me share their infertility story, or meet with a new doctor, and the first response is “oh, have you tried xyz?” The recommendations are helpful sometimes, but they are also assuming that the individual with the uterus is responsible for their infertility. That there is a way to control it and I wish that when I started, someone had just said to me:
It’s not your fault, Nisha. Sometimes, there are things that happen in our lives that are out of our control, and you can try the medications, and the Eastern Medicine, and do eighteen rounds of different IVF protocols, or take hundreds of thousands of supplements, and it won’t change a damn thing.
But that’s okay. It’s really going to be okay. Because maybe there are other ways to have a family, too.
Many of you know that I’ve had so many changes in my life over the years, and quite a few of them were because of my hope to one day have children. From switching jobs for less stress, to signing multiple book contracts in an effort to make this a full time career, to moving out of New Jersey to a better school district. I’ve focused on altering every part of my life, and saving every dollar I have for this journey. I just appreciate all of your support, and the kind words you’ve shared, along with your own personal experiences.
I’m signing off for the rest of the year. I have one more newsletter in me in December, and a few pre-scheduled Instagram and TikToks ready to go, but your girl needs time. I’m trying so hard to stay focused on my book deadlines, on school and teaching, and I can barely manage that and all the social media that comes with being an author. That’s why I’m giving myself a break.
I’m coming back healthy, rested and relaxed with my regularly scheduled 2-3 newsletters a month in January, along with the plethora of book releases I have planned.
Thanks, besties. xoxo Nisha
Sending you so much love and healing. It's NOT your fault! 💗💗💗
Thank you for sharing - sending so much love. Hoping you find space for what you need, along with grace for yourself and your loved ones, as you transition to your next phase.
Infertility/TTC had my 30s and early 40s on a wild rollercoaster, especially with so much that is unknown (for each of us). Between rapidly declining average success rates and nearly every part involving trial and error, it felt like far more than a decade.